Please leave your message, after the rant.

RIGHT. This will be the final word on mobile telephones. I lost mine in London last Friday anytime after 8pm. If you have had anything stranger than usual from it since then, it was not me. Had assumed it ended up in the gutter and was lost for good, but have just learned some cunts found it and spent all the credit as well as texting my pals that I am suicidal. Funny stuff. Being a technophobe I also only today discovered you can ring up your provider and get the sim blocked. Done. They also then post you a new card with the same number and amount of credit. Unfortunately, having left it so long, the balance is but four pence. Still, now you know. For when your time comes.

The company ask security questions to prove you are who you claim to be. They enquire as to the amount of cash on the phone which of course you will get wrong three times consecutively as some arse is spending it as you speak. The next security question is to name two numbers you will have contacted more than twice over the last month. I gave Budgie and Alex Wonk which luckily I have been given again since otherwise how would one, unless one has a good memory, know the numbers to give, since they are in the very phone that has been lost?? The system makes no sense. Then again, neither does picking up other people’s possessions and not handing them in. Rant over. Email me your numbers here please. Mine as I say, will apparently be the same. I will most miss the texts I had saved for five years or so that I would look at to lift my mood in times of bleakness. I hope the thieving wankers who made off with them are enjoying their lives. They are forgiven.

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