You say Joy Division, I say Eurovision. Here were my live updates of the shows both semi final and final as they happened I thought I would share on my blog here albeit afew days late-

– Eurovision song contest semi-final two, (Live on BBC Three now) which will be followed by Question Time later. When Eurovision becomes chuckle-vision: “I have to admit I was completely ignorant to Eurovision” Says Molly Smitten-Downes *our* entry. I wonder, in what language will she be singing for the final?

– Poland were glorious though there have been afew contenders. How many go through to the final?? The bloke from Belarus who looked abit like El Hefe and was popping his collar while singing, “I’m tired of being your sweet cheesecake” may have taken the biscuit hohohoho #eurovision

– These French tarts have it all wrong, it’s ‘Hell Yea’ not ‘Oh Yea.’ Irish woman’s dress is quite something else. Now she is wearing a cap and a false tash. I don’t know who’s a man and who’s a woman anymore. Surely we can rely on the Greeks to bring some sobriety to the affair? #eurovision

– Who is this entry from Slovenia? She appears to be trying to audition for ‘Wicked’ but brought along a flute rather than a broomstick. Away with her. #eurovision

– Aussies. Outrageous!! Call for security! #eurovision

– The Norwegian was dreamy. You’d just feels so safe in his warm embrace. Lithuania lost the plot. Finland were like Keane but with guitars and I felt this was no bad thing. I will also let Switzerland pass. #eurovision

– It’s almost as if the Irish lass presenting is over using the phrase ‘I love this’ and therefore devaluing it. And why I was just watching small human beings jitter all over the shop I will never know. STOP VOTING NOW! #eurovision


Eurovision special Bingo Poetry Karaoke night on Friday was grand, great to see friends I hadn’t seen in years. I represented Russia and kicked Ukraine off stage annexing their performance. I read my lyrics for Natalia Poklonskaya and dedicated this Billy Joel tune to the people who died in Odessa. Appropriately I sang ‘We didn’t start the fire.’ Teddy Fourlegs, changing public perceptions one karaoke night at a time. #eurovision

– Norton lacks the dry delivery of Wogan. With Wogan it was as much about what he *didn’t* say as what he did. Just kicking off and I see what appears to be an asian man wielding a Swedish flag. Tis is a fix I tell you. #eurovision

– Not good attire on our girl. I demand she wear a standard issue 2014 British Woman’s dress, by which of course I mean a Geri Haliwellesque Union Jack boob tube made in a sweat shop in the third world. ‘Children of the Universe’ indeedy. #eurovision

– Politics aside, I suppose not the worst opener from Ukraine. Average bordering on sloppy. I expect she will win votes for her looks. The geezer in the hamster wheel was off-putting to say the least. Next. #eurovision

– Belarus are really taking the biscuit with this Cheesecake number. Subtle hip movements on the chorus are really working the crowd. Could be a contender. #eurovision

– Azerbaijan were utterly bovine but Iceland smashed it. Ridoinkulous stuff. I don’t know why Graham Norton slagged off the Norwegian bloke, he was strong, I wonder which of the violin players gets to enjoy his warm embrace?  That’s what a man should look like. Those arms. They’re amazing. Like boughs of sturdy English oak. My God, if you had them wrapped round you, you’d just feel so safe. #eurovision

– Romania were atrocious. It was not, as they kept shrieking, a miracle. The less said of Armenia the better. The Montenegro bloke looked like a hypothetical paedo uncle of Mr Bean. Bring on the Poles. #eurovision

– No Greece your ‘flow’ was not ‘oh so freaky.’ Away with you. The drag act for Austria was just abit  shit, what’s all the hype? The song is crap. Germany also let themselves down with that chunky lass warbling all night. Very weak. Sweden seemed to pick things up after though nothing special seeing as bookies favourite. Oh look, French people believing themselves to be funny and quirky while actually just pissing off everybody else. How original. #eurovision

– Russia did well despite some hostile tools in the crowd. Norton even made a rubbish joke about it looking like they are on a military tank. Pathetic. Well done the Russian twins. #eurovision

– Italy must have been a tad hot under the collar, as she fiercely removed hers. I had been thinking a strip tease was coming up but she unwisely kept the rest of her kit on which meant there was no distraction to the very mediocre music. Slovenia turned up for an audition of ‘Wicked’ but brought an out of tune flute instead of a broomstick. Finland are like Keane but with guitars and this is no bad thing as I have said previously. Slightly Weezeresque perhaps, not bad. Spain were less singing in the rain more slinging out the pain. Terrible, making this Swiss whistling ditty seem comparatively wonderful. #eurovision

– This chap from Hungary really has his finger on the pulse here. Unfortunately, the pulse is that of a dead goat. Away with him. #eurovision

– The Maltese refrain is- “I’m coming home.” I think we can let that stand as a comment in of itself. #eurovision

– Denmark were good clean fun pop. Catchy hook. More of this please. But was nobody backstage available who could tie a cravat? Or is this now the ‘in look?’ Outrageous. Meanwhile the anorexic female host is unnerving me. The Netherlands were surprisingly ok though dragged it out abit too long. Norton was correct, it wasn’t right for Eurovision. San Marino was a regular shit sandwich to the viewer. Who let them through? I am now watching our lass Molly. There have been worse of course, but it generally lacks any National spirit that is somewhat required by this contest to capture the imagination. It’s hippy internationalist lyrics lack any context and I have already remarked on her outfit. I’m sorry Ms Smitten-Downs it is just not going to be. #eurovision

– Norton got confetti in his wine and just cocked up the auto cue. Tipsy lad. #eurovision

– “Don’t think she eats much cake.” Norton talking about the anorexic female host. The claws are coming out! #eurovision

– “You two get a room.” Norton moves in for the kill once more as the pace picks up. We move to announcing vote results. #eurovision

– Ignorant people in the crowd booing the fact Russia are getting points. Do they not realise there are cameras rolling and we can in fact see their faces? What would their mothers think? Disgraceful. #eurovision

– The woman announcing Belarus’ scores has lost the plot. Norton re booing of 17 year old Russian twins, “We totally understand it.” Evidently not Graham. Stick to abusing that presenter’s glasses, it is what you are good at mate. And the only political point I will make (seeing as he effectively has) is – the radical Nazis may think they are back in control in Kiev, but not for long. And more importantly in Crimea they are *nowhere.* You fill in the gaps. That is all you need to know. Onwards. #eurovision

– How are Hungary cleaning up? Who is voting? What would be funnier- France’s cocky entry getting nil pois, or the solitary one they actually have? Both are incredibly funny.#eurovision

– Do we believe the Finnish presenter’s scores? I mean, he’s wearing a baseball cap! #eurovision

– Spain have managed to find the only TV presenter who can not only not speak English or read an auto-que, but also apparently not even dress herself properly. When does ‘off the shoulder’ become shoulderless? Austria have put so much ground between the others now it is truly over. I don’t see why, the entry was rubbish. Lame. #eurovision

– All over now. Oh stop the amateur dramatic waterworks. My post game analysis- It would be worth remembering there’s is a 50/50 split between unelected, unaccountable judges and the votes of the public. *Poland* actually topped the UK’s public voting tally, but were awarded zero points by the UK overall because the unelected judges ranked Poland 25th and bigged up the shite winner who I am now watching do the victory song. We say bring back the butter churning milk maids. #eurovision

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