TV Presenter Porn

I recently watched a fair portion of daytime TV and noted with considerable emphasis how impressed I was with the caliber of upturned nose girls on the Australian soap opera Home & Away. On the flipside I was surprised to see Zoe Ball back on TV and dismayed to see she has not aged well and seemed to resemble a third-rate drag queen from Macclesfield. A friend of mine couldn’t believe this revelatory observation as he fancied her so much when younger and questioned if we were really now saying that she is spent and useless all of a sudden. Ms Ball may have only been withering somewhat under the lights, but in response to my mate I suggested that perhaps some things were best left in the 90s. I was quick to add that it is true she may yet return to her former glory. Who can truly say after one brief viewing? It was at this point my pal proposed we petition her to do hardcore pornography to settle the matter once and for all.

Suddenly it all became clear. This is the way out of my financial ruin. TV presenter porn. An enterprise of that genius would make billions. How much would people pay for Jo Coburn from the Daily Politics licking out that fit bird form The Wright Stuff? Better still Alex Jones off The One Show going to town on Gabby Logan. Perhaps Claudia Winkleman and Susanna Reid? Julia Bradbury would be fantastic. What of Fearne Cotton? Surely Denise Van Outen? Why not even Natasha Kaplinsky or Louise Redknapp? Maybe Christine Bleakley could get involved? Not to mention Catherine Southon from Bargain Hunt doing a solo scene with an antique dildo. Bargain Cunt, (see http://sabotagetimes.com/people/i-secretly-fancy-bargain-hunts-catherine-southon/). The possibilities seem endless. My chum goes on to assert that the bird from the Wildlife Show would be a dream fuck and that her wanking would be heavenly. Others have chimed in about the previous Countdown woman Voderman but I say that’s old hat, (although the newer gorgeous presenter Rachel Riley would no doubt get a look in and we can’t leave out Susie Dent now can we? You know she’s going to be a dark horse). In the interests of gender equality I also nominate Jon Snow to be drafted in for the ladies to oogle at (my sources inform me many females hold something of a torch for the silver fox).

I should mention now that I am vetoing any suggestion of Holly Willoughby. Her aggravatingly air-headed personality, clueless social attitudes, whiny voice and abysmal presenting style mean I can genuinely state without reservation that despite being supposedly ‘pretty’ to most people I personally find her utterly repellent. The height of unappealing irritation. Seriously, -10/10. Couldn’t find a better example of the opposite of what I find attractive. She reminds me of the kind of thick upper-middle class waste of space loud mouths that Cheltenham Ladies College used to churn out to compete with (and get consistently beaten by) my Saturday morning Theatre school group of diverse misfits. Besides, her face looks like an oversized stretched baby bell. Anyway, answers on a postcard. What TV Presenters do we recruit to this business plan? And keep it under your hats gentlemen. This is the gold ticket…

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